Upon receiving an e-mail from my university regarding the premature end of the semester, I knew I did not want it. I was already dreading the days spent at home. Though I had the luxury of time to work on my deadlines, more so on personal projects, having too much time did not sit well with me. This sounds contradicting, especially with how I would often rant about being busy. Others may say you finally got the time, and yes, I agree. Take more rest, they would say. Use this time to let go and relax, so on and so forth. What I know for sure, I am not comfortable having this much time.
I am currently going through an emotional turmoil. Things are not as smooth with my family, relationships, studies and even so far as my immediate future plans. Hence I ought to feel at ease with having more time, should I not? After all, it is probably the best chance to think things through and give myself a break from processing too many thoughts and feelings at once.
I am disturbed, though. I am not comfortable with having time. I am uneasy with the idea of longer bright hours and even longer darkness, with the emptiness of the day. Certainly sounds like I have an unhealthy routine? At first I did think so, too. I thought I needed a break, a time to space out, to clear my mind and allow my thoughts and emotions to breathe and settle. That’s what other does, what my friends suggested, what I see in all these self-care and mental health related posts.
As I write this post, I came to accept that my kind of healing is different. It does not lie in more time but in continuously doing what I can possibly do. This is not to say I do not need a break. I do, and I did. I purposely did not attend lectures in the fear of having a depressive episode in public and losing control of my emotions. I abandoned my school works because I had a panic attack/intense nervousness when I tried to work on one of my deadlines. I let go of thinking through my family and relationship issues to lighten up the burden of my mind and heart.
Time is essential, but that alone is not sufficient.
Too much time takes you away from your reality. As painful and difficult it is to come back to your seemingly messed up life, there is strength in returning to confront your issues. And by remaining far away from what you need to face, you are allowing your reality to haunt you. Overthinking for example, is a tendency from having too much time because you’ve been too far off you have no idea or basis on what is truly happening anymore.
This made me think (many things do). Am I scared of doing nothing? Is this unease present because I am too occupied? Am I uncomfortable with more time because I am afraid my thoughts and emotions would come like landslide and bury me in the pit of loneliness? No, I am not. I am not being busy as an excuse to distract myself from my issues and that’s what makes it different. Just as how much people cope with life by spending more time out, others like me are more comfortable with accomplishing tasks, having a schedule.. just, doing something. There is no need to hate yourself for wanting to be occupied, and absolutely believing you are distracting yourself from your problems when you are uncomfortable doing nothing, or when productiveness over certain matters consoles you.
I’m extremely baffled by the early end of this semester. On a lighter note, I am elated with the thought of working on more things for this blog.