A Whole Heart

There’s never enough words to express what a broken heart wants to say.

Heartaches after heartbreaks. It’s difficult to love, especially when not only you are failing to be the person you have to be for others, but when you cannot be the person you yourself can love. It would be dramatic, but not exaggerating, to say that my support system who I thought would be my support system in times when I saw myself unlovable were nowhere to be found. Though I cannot blame their schedules and priorities, a part of me, just a teeny bit, longed for someone to tell me I’m here, I know things are not alright, but I am here. Here goes the rambling: I was an extremely closed-off person, and that goes the same for when I have problems. I’d rather work on it on my own because I don’t want to become a burden. Besides, I know how emotionally unstable I can get on those times. So I literally shut off from the world when I know I am not okay. The worst record so far was a year of being MIA. I’ve grown since then. I let my walls down for people who genuinely wanted to be there. At the very least, I thought, I could offer this much for all they’ve done for me – even if opening up more meant showing a part of me that was nothing but broken and lost.

And then came what I would have never imagined. The depressive episodes which I thought I had under control went all out. And life being the bitch that it is, just thought I could handle a heartbreak and family problems on top of my mental breakdown. As if I could still attend lectures and go for work with great fortitude. I genuinely thought it was about time. It’s not like it has never crossed my mind, and it’s not as if I have never attempted to completely give up. I was so tired; so, so tired, of hurting. What did I ever do to deserve this? I’ve experienced countless nights of crying, but never did I cry to the point of headaches and chest pains, not to the extent of staying up the entire night than crying myself to sleep. I never felt as burdened as I was to the point of physical pain – my head, my chest, my heart were in so much pain I forgot I was hurting emotionally not physically. I was hurting I forgot why I was in pain in the first place and I desperately wanted it all to stop. Even if I can, even if I was given a choice, I never saw myself making it to another day. Just the mere thought of tomorrow was painful, believe me.

What pains me more was I thought, I really thought, and I was holding on to this only thing I was not alone in my battle. I messaged my friends, asked if they have time for lunch or dinner, for a short phone call, whatever means I could just, I don’t know, breakdown? let someone know I’m hurting? that I want to give up? that I can’t do it anymore? Lo and behold, was there really no one? These were the people who taught me to rely on others when I cannot bear the burden on my own; people who assured me that when I feel weary and lost, I have friends to call upon. Where? Where were they?

I was far from considering myself lonelier than I already am because there were so many reasons to pity myself and no, I was not in the position to pity myself even more. Slowly and with utmost effort, I offered myself to my service to the Lord. It was the only thing I could do. He was the only one who would accept me, on my good days and even in my broken ones. As my trust issues resurfaced, I anchored myself in the grace of the Lord who has been so faithful to me.

Was I so broken beyond repair? Was I so broken that I am not capable of loving anymore? Was I so lonely I have striven to become strong and reliable so people will never have a reason to leave me? Was I so desperate for a companion I kept on choosing to stay and to fight because I am afraid of getting left behind? Was I beyond help that others just gave up on me?

The Lord, the Lord and His faithfulness whispered to me I am here. He picked up the shattered pieces of my heart and placed (still placing) it to where it needs to be. In His capable hands, what I deemed impossible was nothing for Him. He’s placed me under His refuge, He told me I can stay there until I’m ready to sail on the rage of the ocean, hike the highest mountains and walk the darkest of valleys. I cried out and He answered, I was lost and He surrendered his only son just to find me, I chose the darkness over Him for too many times but He never tire to set my path straight to the light. My heart was beyond recognition, but God chose to hold it nonetheless. He held my heart and made it whole again.

By no means I am okay. I don’t think I will ever be. At the very least, I don’t think human beings are capable of completely obliterating pain – or any kind of emotions. We can only go as far as denial or acceptance and live with it. I fight the battle everyday, but today, and hopefully for the many more to come, I have hope because He promised me – He is my God.